Marriage is not what I thought it'd be

Since I was a small girl, I very badly wanted to be married with children and the white picket fence, and all that I grew up thinking was "normal".  I'd basically marry Prince Charming and life would be absolutely peachy, right?

I was in a relationship for 13+ years.  It started out exciting, for sure, but about 1 year in, I knew this would not be someone I'd marry.  I'm not one to give up, though, and there was plenty of "good" there initially, so I just kept trying my best.  Before too long, the controlling personality of my ex began to have extreme effects on me.  Things were downright scary at times, and I had absolutely no clue how to get out.

Sidebar: if/when you hear of a person in a horrible situation, don't tell them "just leave".  Duh.  They very likely would if they could.  So much happens behind the scenes that you just have no idea of, so stop with the nonsense.  It helps no one.  Be sure they know they can always come to you about anything, that they have a safe place to go to, and they won't be judged.

So there I was, just hoping to get through each day safely and with some semblance of joy.  Thankfully I had my pups, Cali & Hogan.  Those pups, in fact, were the catalyst in getting OUT of that disaster.  Anyone who knows me realizes my dogs come first.  I won't apologize for that.  They are innocents who love me unconditionally, and I'll always stand up for them.  So when my ex went off on a rampage one day and said "it's me or the dogs", I found some courage and said "fine, you're out!".  It was 3 years later before he finally left, but hey, the dogs were never ever harmed, and I came out physically unscathed.  We're marking it a success.

During this shit storm of a life, I never lost respect for the idea of marriage. I just knew THAT man was not going to be my husband, and having children with him would be a horrid mistake.  By this time, though, I was a 35-year-old girl and I honestly didn't think my chances were that great of finding someone who'd accept me, my dogs, and all the many faults my ex pointed out to me daily.

I really didn't date much.  I immersed myself in my volunteer work and made some of the best friends I have, to this day.  I started to learn about myself and what actually made me happy.  I tried to go out and just have fun, without expectations of love and marriage and children, oh my!  And then I met Michael.

He, too, had had a long relationship.  He was married and has three amazing children from it.  He was certain marriage would not happen for him again.  On the surface, I understood that.  But the more I got to know him, the more that little "gotta get married" flame started burning in me.

I don't know exactly what I thought marriage would be, but there would be a lot of warm and fuzzy going on, I was sure. In a recent conversation with a dear friend, we summed up our feelings on it, and I found myself saying "now that I am married, I realize it is just what Mike said it would be... no different than what we had".  I didn't want our relationship to change once we were married, but somehow I naively expected it would.  And no, I don't know how.  I just had marriage fantasized as this be all, end all of a relationship.  That without it, you're not succeeding.

Don't get me wrong, I love being married.  I love my husband to the point of terror at times.  I wouldn't change one thing about how we got to where we are, and I look forward to all we have coming.  He is my "ride or die" in life.  I've never told one person so much about me.  I can say anything, and he'll listen and help when needed, or laugh when it's super silly.  But I understand now that is how it was even before the marriage license ;-)  In fact, the moment I finally chilled out on the "let's get married" spiel and just enjoyed us the way we were was when he popped the question.

There are benefits to marriage, for sure.  In the case of medical situations, we can make decisions for each other.  As a stepmom, it's nice to have the same last name as the kids, especially when conferences and things come along.  Coming into a marriage later in life is nice, too, as we both knew exactly what we would and would not put up with.  The tax break is definitely nice.  I love saying "my husband", when it comes right down to it.  I loved our vows, and I think we had a really unique and fun wedding, surrounded by those most important to us.

I still believe marriage is a beautiful thing, and I cry like a fool at every wedding we attend.  It just isn't what I envisioned, and I hope that future generations of young ones get a true glimpse from their parents (or step-parents, neighbors, aunts, uncles, etc.) into what a successful marriage is. It is not easy.  It is not for everyone.  It is hard work.  It is never giving up. It is tears stemming from joy, anger, and hurt. It is never going to bed angry, even when you're both stubborn and don't want to admit you're being an ass.  It is not agreeing on everything, but always hearing the other side.  It is passion.  It is love.  It is butterflies in your stomach.  It is the highest highs and the lowest lows.  It is supporting each others dreams and helping them come true.  It is taking interest in their hobbies, even if you'd rather just go read a book. It is accepting them for exactly who they are, and growing with them. It is shaving your legs year round because you know that floats their boat.  It is realizing shit happens and moving on together.  It is compromise. It is never losing sight of who YOU are in the midst of it all.  Marriage is giving 100% of yourself every single day with no expectations in return.

~K