I have ants in my pants

I've been a "gotta get it all done right this minute" kind of person since I can remember.  Homework?  Always done as quickly after school as possible.  Chores? Didn't drag my feet, just buckled down and did them.  As I got older, this attitude transferred over to my job, volunteer work, the house (OK, maybe not cleaning ;-) ), pet training and care, etc.  I very, very rarely have emails piled up in any of my several inboxes.  I have lists of lists to be sure everything I think of (even at 2am in the morning) gets done and those lists are checked off by bed time.  It's hard for me to sit down and just enjoy time doing nothing... or say, watching a movie.  I typically keep checking email, or remember to go switch the laundry, I wonder how (insert friend here) is doing today so I better text her, or hey... has the dog been out lately??  It often feels that if I don't get my things done, it'll be the end of the world.  Because yes, I also exaggerate and jump to conclusions that often make no sense and have no basis in reality. Anxiety is basically my middle name.

When I'm out and about in a social setting, you'll often find me bouncing my leg and looking all around.  This stems from 2 things:  1. I'd rather be at home.  I'm not gonna lie, I'm an introvert, and leaving the house is rarely fun for me.  2. I just remembered more stuff for my lists and am now plotting my escape.  It is absolutely nothing personal, my friends.

In large part, I think this anxiety is what propels me to push myself harder towards reaching goals, and I'm actually happy with my progress on that front.  But I also worry and realize I'm passing up the little moments in life that are all around me, because I'm so preoccupied with the 85,429 things to get done RIGHT NOW!  I have no pressure from anyone in my life which would cause this anxiety and need to push, it's just who and how I am.  So I'm trying to accept that it's OK to take some downtime, and that I also do have many great relationships, so I'm doing something right (right??).  I've incorporated daily meditation (which feels torturous so far, haha).  I make it a point to put my phone/electronics down at certain points during the day in an attempt to be more focused on everything going on around me.  I long to make these things permanent habits, and know the steps to make it happen.  It occurs to me I need to add "relax!" to my daily list.

To my husband, I'm sorry, honey.  I will likely never watch an entire movie without interruptions with you, but I'll keep trying ;-)

~K