Sadness stinks

In general, I try extremely hard to find the positives in each and every day.  I mean, when you get down to it, there are a LOT of things for each of us to be thankful for, even when it feels like the exact opposite.  But sometimes you hit a rut of sadness, even depression, and it is extremely hard to get out of.  I know this feeling all too well.

I'm often asked "how do you always stay positive"?  Ask my husband... I don't.  I just rarely share that side of me, especially on social media.  Even when something sad is happening, I try to focus on the brighter moments or memories.  Why?  Because I know myself, and I know depression is a very slippery slope that I've slid down before.  I don't like myself when I'm there.  I also try to always do my best to help others stay positive, as I don't want to see them fall down that slope either.

Don't ever feel bad for feeling sad, though.  Sometimes we have reasons, and sometimes we don't.  And that's OK!  We are complex beings and often things just don't make sense.  It can take time to sort through it and come out on the other side.  For me, I find that it's important to acknowledge every emotion.  See if you can find why you might be feeling that way.  Brainstorm ideas on what might help you work past it or turn it into a more positive situation.  Call someone to talk/scream/yell/cry about it.  Start a journal and write it all out.  Work with a therapist.  Join a support group. Getting those feelings OUT is so cathartic and good for you.

I've run a couple of groups via Facebook called "Push for Positivity", and I thought I'd share some of those tips here.  These groups are most successful around the holidays and in winter.  I know that's always a downer time for me as I reflect on loved ones who are no longer with us.  The dark, gloomy, cold days sure don't help anything, either.  The intention of the group is to start new habits that get you seeing the brighter side of things.  The more you do them, the more likely you are to continue doing them.  So here are some things I recommend you try to do daily to keep your focus where it needs to be:

1. Pick one thing you are looking forward to today.
2. Catch a stranger doing something right, kind, or lovely.  Simply notice it.
3. Find something beautiful in one thing that could be easily overlooked.
4. Identify one thing you appreciate in someone you know.  If you're feeling brave, tell them.
5. Before you fall asleep, think of one thing you did to make this world a little better today.

You don't have to do all 5 every day, at least not at first.  These are just ideas to get you seeing things perhaps a different way than you do now.

I also like to use daily affirmations each morning, to set the tone for the whole day.  Here's an example:

You might be thinking "what a loon.  Words can't fix how I'm feeling".  And you might be right.  But it's worth a shot, isn't it?

~K

Marriage is not what I thought it'd be

Since I was a small girl, I very badly wanted to be married with children and the white picket fence, and all that I grew up thinking was "normal".  I'd basically marry Prince Charming and life would be absolutely peachy, right?

I was in a relationship for 13+ years.  It started out exciting, for sure, but about 1 year in, I knew this would not be someone I'd marry.  I'm not one to give up, though, and there was plenty of "good" there initially, so I just kept trying my best.  Before too long, the controlling personality of my ex began to have extreme effects on me.  Things were downright scary at times, and I had absolutely no clue how to get out.

Sidebar: if/when you hear of a person in a horrible situation, don't tell them "just leave".  Duh.  They very likely would if they could.  So much happens behind the scenes that you just have no idea of, so stop with the nonsense.  It helps no one.  Be sure they know they can always come to you about anything, that they have a safe place to go to, and they won't be judged.

So there I was, just hoping to get through each day safely and with some semblance of joy.  Thankfully I had my pups, Cali & Hogan.  Those pups, in fact, were the catalyst in getting OUT of that disaster.  Anyone who knows me realizes my dogs come first.  I won't apologize for that.  They are innocents who love me unconditionally, and I'll always stand up for them.  So when my ex went off on a rampage one day and said "it's me or the dogs", I found some courage and said "fine, you're out!".  It was 3 years later before he finally left, but hey, the dogs were never ever harmed, and I came out physically unscathed.  We're marking it a success.

During this shit storm of a life, I never lost respect for the idea of marriage. I just knew THAT man was not going to be my husband, and having children with him would be a horrid mistake.  By this time, though, I was a 35-year-old girl and I honestly didn't think my chances were that great of finding someone who'd accept me, my dogs, and all the many faults my ex pointed out to me daily.

I really didn't date much.  I immersed myself in my volunteer work and made some of the best friends I have, to this day.  I started to learn about myself and what actually made me happy.  I tried to go out and just have fun, without expectations of love and marriage and children, oh my!  And then I met Michael.

He, too, had had a long relationship.  He was married and has three amazing children from it.  He was certain marriage would not happen for him again.  On the surface, I understood that.  But the more I got to know him, the more that little "gotta get married" flame started burning in me.

I don't know exactly what I thought marriage would be, but there would be a lot of warm and fuzzy going on, I was sure. In a recent conversation with a dear friend, we summed up our feelings on it, and I found myself saying "now that I am married, I realize it is just what Mike said it would be... no different than what we had".  I didn't want our relationship to change once we were married, but somehow I naively expected it would.  And no, I don't know how.  I just had marriage fantasized as this be all, end all of a relationship.  That without it, you're not succeeding.

Don't get me wrong, I love being married.  I love my husband to the point of terror at times.  I wouldn't change one thing about how we got to where we are, and I look forward to all we have coming.  He is my "ride or die" in life.  I've never told one person so much about me.  I can say anything, and he'll listen and help when needed, or laugh when it's super silly.  But I understand now that is how it was even before the marriage license ;-)  In fact, the moment I finally chilled out on the "let's get married" spiel and just enjoyed us the way we were was when he popped the question.

There are benefits to marriage, for sure.  In the case of medical situations, we can make decisions for each other.  As a stepmom, it's nice to have the same last name as the kids, especially when conferences and things come along.  Coming into a marriage later in life is nice, too, as we both knew exactly what we would and would not put up with.  The tax break is definitely nice.  I love saying "my husband", when it comes right down to it.  I loved our vows, and I think we had a really unique and fun wedding, surrounded by those most important to us.

I still believe marriage is a beautiful thing, and I cry like a fool at every wedding we attend.  It just isn't what I envisioned, and I hope that future generations of young ones get a true glimpse from their parents (or step-parents, neighbors, aunts, uncles, etc.) into what a successful marriage is. It is not easy.  It is not for everyone.  It is hard work.  It is never giving up. It is tears stemming from joy, anger, and hurt. It is never going to bed angry, even when you're both stubborn and don't want to admit you're being an ass.  It is not agreeing on everything, but always hearing the other side.  It is passion.  It is love.  It is butterflies in your stomach.  It is the highest highs and the lowest lows.  It is supporting each others dreams and helping them come true.  It is taking interest in their hobbies, even if you'd rather just go read a book. It is accepting them for exactly who they are, and growing with them. It is shaving your legs year round because you know that floats their boat.  It is realizing shit happens and moving on together.  It is compromise. It is never losing sight of who YOU are in the midst of it all.  Marriage is giving 100% of yourself every single day with no expectations in return.

~K

I have ants in my pants

I've been a "gotta get it all done right this minute" kind of person since I can remember.  Homework?  Always done as quickly after school as possible.  Chores? Didn't drag my feet, just buckled down and did them.  As I got older, this attitude transferred over to my job, volunteer work, the house (OK, maybe not cleaning ;-) ), pet training and care, etc.  I very, very rarely have emails piled up in any of my several inboxes.  I have lists of lists to be sure everything I think of (even at 2am in the morning) gets done and those lists are checked off by bed time.  It's hard for me to sit down and just enjoy time doing nothing... or say, watching a movie.  I typically keep checking email, or remember to go switch the laundry, I wonder how (insert friend here) is doing today so I better text her, or hey... has the dog been out lately??  It often feels that if I don't get my things done, it'll be the end of the world.  Because yes, I also exaggerate and jump to conclusions that often make no sense and have no basis in reality. Anxiety is basically my middle name.

When I'm out and about in a social setting, you'll often find me bouncing my leg and looking all around.  This stems from 2 things:  1. I'd rather be at home.  I'm not gonna lie, I'm an introvert, and leaving the house is rarely fun for me.  2. I just remembered more stuff for my lists and am now plotting my escape.  It is absolutely nothing personal, my friends.

In large part, I think this anxiety is what propels me to push myself harder towards reaching goals, and I'm actually happy with my progress on that front.  But I also worry and realize I'm passing up the little moments in life that are all around me, because I'm so preoccupied with the 85,429 things to get done RIGHT NOW!  I have no pressure from anyone in my life which would cause this anxiety and need to push, it's just who and how I am.  So I'm trying to accept that it's OK to take some downtime, and that I also do have many great relationships, so I'm doing something right (right??).  I've incorporated daily meditation (which feels torturous so far, haha).  I make it a point to put my phone/electronics down at certain points during the day in an attempt to be more focused on everything going on around me.  I long to make these things permanent habits, and know the steps to make it happen.  It occurs to me I need to add "relax!" to my daily list.

To my husband, I'm sorry, honey.  I will likely never watch an entire movie without interruptions with you, but I'll keep trying ;-)

~K

Senior dogs rock... mostly.

Shortly after we were married in 2015, Mike and I decided to foster a 10-year-old Doberman named Pookie.  She has only 3 legs, trouble hearing (although evidence seems to prove it's a mostly selective condition), and trouble seeing.  It was not long after Pook came to our home that we realized she's a Schmidt, and so we adopted her.  We do not regret that one bit!

Pookie is undoubtedly one of the sweetest beings I've ever met.  She adores people... especially young children as three of our littlest friends, Adelyn, Marley, and Siggi, can attest to.  She's gentle and kind, with a huge dose of sassy that has crept in over the months.  We've taught her to play the very popular Doberman game, "Bitey Face, Kissy Snout" with us, where our hands play the role of the other dog.  She is even slowly coming around to wanting to play with whatever dog friend we have at the house, and that really warms our hearts!

But some days, it is just plain hard to care for an animal with issues.  At this point, she doesn't have a lot of control of her bladder or bowels, and since she has trouble walking, as well, often ends up sitting in her accident until we come along to clean things up.  Once she realizes there was an accident, she's completely beside herself to the point of being inconsolable.  Showering is also not a favorite of hers, another common Doberman trait.  Her mobility varies from day to day, and she very clearly gets frustrated by that.  We help her move around most of the time, unless she's adamant on doing it herself.  We find ourselves walking this fine line of helping without hurting.  Some days, it's just exhausting.

I say this not to sound cold, or to ask for praise of any sort.  We will do anything for this precious angel, and put the same effort in to everyone we love.  We will foster/adopt seniors again, as it is overall a very rewarding experience.  I say it because I think there are many others out there caring for an animal (or even a person) who wonder "can I keep doing this?".  I'm certainly no expert, but I think these feelings are normal for a couple of reasons.  One, you don't want to see anyone or anything decline or start to suffer.  It is painful and sad, and too much to bear some days. You have no magic wand to fix it and take away their troubles, and you feel completely helpless.  Two, lets be honest, it is physically demanding and draining and, at some point, you're just plain tired.

And then you see that sweet little face, and she gives you a kiss, and you feel like a major asshole for even entertaining the slightest negative thought or desire to give up.  Dogs, in particular, live in the now.  They don't worry about tomorrow and don't reminisce about the past.  Give them your best each day, and enjoy every single "good" moment there is, because no one knows when those chances will be gone.  And believe me, it is absolutely crazy the things you miss once a dog has passed.  Things that drove you nuts when they were here.  So appreciate them now, while you can.

Pookie still has more good days than bad, and for that we are very grateful.  We have diapers coming for her to help with the messes.  Her couch is covered with a waterproof crib mattress liner for easier cleanup.  We have the amazing Dr. Liv on our side to help manage things (massage, acupuncture, cold laser, water therapy), and wise friends who have great tips to make things better for us all (line her beds with garbage bags, use comforters that are easy to wash).

Pookie will know she is very loved, by many, for as long as we are her people.

~K

I miss writing.

It's funny to me, now, how much steam I was able to let out just by writing a blog from the perspective of my amazing dog, Hogan.  With his passing, I lost so much.  Of course his physical being and larger than life attitude are the main things, as well as how he was always there for me and my family in the good times and the bad.  But I also had a wonderful time getting to know him over those 10 years and expressing what I truly thought he was thinking and feeling via his blog, Being Hogan .

I'll never claim to be the smartest, classiest, most creative or clever person you're going to meet.  I get angry, I curse, and I throw the occasional temper tantrum.  I also enjoy a wide variety of things in life, and a large one I now realize is writing.  Since losing Hogan, I've shared on various social media apps my feelings and thoughts.  Through those posts, I realized more people relate to me than I ever thought possible.  While an introvert at heart, I do love making genuine connections to others and helping whenever and however I can.

I have thoughts on most everything that happens in a day, and often stay up into the night trying to digest them.  I'm a newly married woman in her forties, a stepmom, a dog mom, a career girl at an amazing manufacturing company (G & M Mfg. Corp.), a volunteer with Illinois Doberman Rescue Plus, who is also running her own business in the fitness world (Feeling Fit and Busy).  I've survived some horrendous losses and painful relationships, and I've come out on the other side with a greater appreciation of life.  My grammar and spelling is generally pretty spot on, but sometimes in the passion of things it goes to hell.  I apologize in advance.  If there's anything you'd like to know or want me to chat about, please feel free to ask.

A LOT happens in a day, so buckle up and join me on the ride through all sorts of topics and adventures, won't you?

~K