I miss Hogan more than words can ever express.

As we approach the year mark since my most amazing Hogan left this world, I find myself reflecting on how different life is now.  He was, without a doubt, my best friend in life.  We went through the best of times and the worst of times together.  He calmed my nerves.  He made me bold.  He taught me to live in the moment.  To be thankful.  To not sweat the small stuff.  To love without limitations.  He was always there for me, even when I didn't deserve his loyalty.

Of course I knew life would go on without his constant companionship.  But I ache for him.  His smell.  His ginormous "smart bump" whacking me in the face.  The feel of his buttsy resting on my foot.  His attempts at smiling, but really just looking like he had to fart.  I miss watching him and Mike play their silly games together.  Seeing him play dress-up with Katie, watching movies with Bobby, and playing fetch with Mikey.  It never mattered what we were doing, he was there and part of it.  He was always happy, simply because he was included.  
 

Hogan made more friends in life than I ever have, and it's evidenced by the letters and emails I still receive addressed to him.  Notes saying how much he's missed.  He knew no enemies.  He did an amazing job representing the Doberman Pinscher breed.  He taught people about Dobes as a PR boy for rescue.  He met people while out and about on the town, and always left them with a positive feeling about the breed.  And he LOVED all the attention.

The question has been posed by many, in all different ways, as to how I'm doing now that we have Zyan... the implication being I should be all better.  I don't really think it's a fair question, though.  Every being in my life carves out their own special place in my heart.  Hogan just happened to carve out an extra-large portion for himself.  Everyone who has gone before him still has their spot, as well... Merlin, Cali, Sarah, and Pookie.  Little Rory, who is neither little nor gone, is a big part of my heart as well, even now that he's back with his parents.  And of course Sophie the Boston :-)

We are, without a doubt, head over heels in love with Zyan.  He is one hell of a boy, and we feel blessed every single day to be his mom and dad.  He, too, has wiggled his handsome self deeply into my heart and I look forward to every single day's adventures, laughs, and snuggles.  But that doesn't change or ease the ache I have for my Boozy Bear.  He was larger than life, and life is just not the same without him.  I have no expectations of Zyan other than to be the best "him" he can be.  And he does that... every single day.  The two boys are not comparable at all, except that they both hold extremely special places in my heart.

Moms misses you more than ever, my sweetest baby boy.  Know that I've found some laughter and joy again, as I know that's what you'd have wanted most.


~Kristen