A lot of folks don't realize there even is such a thing as a hemiplegic migraine, let alone what it's like to go through one. As I suffered through one last night, with my dear husband mentioning all manner of things to try and help me, I figured I should, at some point, try to explain things better. So here I am. As with everything I write, this is just my version of events. I do not need or want sympathy. I'm sharing on the off chance someone else can relate and not feel so alone and so those around me better understand what is happening during these episodes, from my point of view.
My first sign that something is coming (known in the medical world as the migraine "aura") is pins and needles, usually down the entire left side of my body... head to toe. Shortly thereafter, irritation is added in. And I'm not talking about the kind of irritability where someone is a pest and you just wish they'd stop. This is all out, totally consuming irritation at every single thing and person around me. I bounce my leg at a rapid speed, try to avoid everyone (well, more than usual, haha), and am downright frustrated. Things seem to stop making sense. My normally fast-paced way of doing everything is slowed to nearly a quarter of the speed. My typing becomes garbled, often times resulting in emails that have a lot of numbers in them if I were to let them go uncorrected (3 for e, 4 for h, etc). My hands type away to what my brain is saying, but it's gibberish. My eyes (which are never painful in this type of migraine, btw), see the complete rubbish I'm typing so then I have to delete and try again. 3 for e... NO. 3 for e... godammmmit, NO! E. Phew! This, as you might imagination, ramps up the irritability and agitation levels significantly.
I start talking and while I hear it OK in my head, I can tell it is absolutely not coming out in actual English. Like my typing, it is utter gobbledy goop. I take some deep breaths and try to focus on what I'm saying, which results in a stutter or nothing coming out at all. Concerned faces stare back at me. I'm draped in confusion while trying to process the most basic of tasks. Meanwhile, the left side of my body is completely numb. Not like it's fallen asleep, but like I have no control over it whatsoever. This pairing blossoms my relationship with frustration.
Sometimes I think "maybe I'll just have a snack... surely that'll help.". I wish I had video of those attempts, honestly, because it is fascinating how wrong it goes. Hand-eye coordination is out the window and most things end up smeared on my cheek or start going up my nose before I realize my hand is even near my face. Add to that the fact that half my face and throat are numb, so when I finally get the food in my mouth, swallowing isn't pretty. At this point, I'm completely ashamed of myself. And believe me, I have the most amazing family, co-workers, and friends who would never, ever make me or want me to feel that way. It's just how I feel. And bless their poor hearts, any attempt to help me or ease my angst is quickly halted. I want to be helped, but don't help me, dammit. Ugh.
Nausea settles in. A dull throbbing in my head starts. I want all lights off and all sound to cease. The best thing to do is to lie down and let my body recoup. Schmitty is fantastic at identifying when this is happening, often long before I do. His questioning of it isn't always the smoothest ("is something wrong with your head?"), but he knows just how to get me through. Even though I'm sure I seem like a grade A bitch at the time, for which I apologize repeatedly, I'm forever grateful for my husband. He brings me anti-nausea meds, helps me get into jammies and bed, and he tends to everything else going on so I can forget it all. He checks on me and, if I'm sleeping, lets me be. If I'm not, he brings a cool rag for my head and asks what he can do.
Lately, a good night's sleep helps me reset. My speech is first to come back, the tingling fades, food stays down, pain is gone, and I'm no worse for the wear within a day or two. If you ever encounter me and I'm acting like any of the above, or if we're ever together and I suddenly need to leave, it's likely related to this ball of fun my body hurls itself into periodically. It's not personal. I just need to stop and take care of myself for a bit.
Sidebar: Please, if you're ever feeling any of these types of symptoms, do not assume you're just having something like I've had. I *know* this is my problem after decades of regular testing and ruling out every other thing possible. And, every time this happens, I run through the stroke check list to be sure it isn't actually a stroke. This is NO joking matter. Please always seek medical help immediately! Do you know the stroke symptoms checklist? Please familiarize yourself.
No matter how many of these migraines I get, I am scared shitless every single time. I know I'll be fine even as it is happening, but it's beyond bizarre to have no control over some basic functions of your body. I remove myself from those around me so I can try to regroup and not strike out in aggravation. I do my best to see it as a reminder to step back and try to relax. And I hope to fall asleep until it's over.
~Kristen
No comments:
Post a Comment