Suicide. There. I said it.

The topic I'm approached about most often is losing a loved one to suicide.  It's a word I don't like hearing or saying.  I don't like reference to it.  I really don't like those little combos of emojis that imply it.  For those who don't know, I lost my brother in 1997 to suicide.  Anyone who knew him loved him and misses him greatly.  Jeff was my absolute best friend in life.  He taught me most everything I know: unconditional love, how to laugh, how to make others laugh, how to save every single kind of injured animal there was, how to make voices for those animals, how to have someone's back, how to accept everyone for exactly who they are, how to get through the crappiest of times, and the list goes on and on.  Jeff was 4 years older than me, and I vividly remember growing up as "one of the guys", as he took me with him and his friends everywhere.  I was his pride and joy, and he was mine.

Skip forward to the day I found out he was gone.  My world shattered.  The sky fell down. I knew instantly part of me died and I'd never be the same person.  A blinding rage took over.  Not at him, never at him, but at the world.  For not being a place he felt part of.  For not changing everything so he'd stay.  Depression was my friend.  There was a horrible sense of secondary loss of people you thought were your friends, but couldn't deal with the fact that your brother did this, so they just bailed.  And then there were others who you didn't realize loved you regardless, and so your little circle of people grew by one or two.  The emotions involved in this clusterfuck of a situation are varied.  None are wrong.  None are even bad, in my opinion.  We all handle things in life so differently.  A loss of this magnitude is going to be processed in all sorts of ways. Let it all out. Find someone, any one, who will listen to you and not judge (and yes, I know how hard that can be).

When someone dies, I never know what to say.  In the case of a loss to suicide, I'll tell you what you should not say, though... "I know how you feel" or "I can imagine how awful that must be". Unless you've lost a loved one to suicide, you CANNOT imagine what it feels like.  Just as I cannot imagine what child birth feels like.  Or drug addiction.  Or sky diving.  Or losing your child to suicide (yes, that's right... my mom and I can't really relate, and we lost the same person).  So please be very careful when dealing with anyone on this topic.  Unless you've been in their shoes, don't say you understand.   My go to is "I just don't know what to say, but I'm here for you, I love you, I'll help in any way I can".   Honesty is good stuff.

I have gripes about this whole topic, though, that have nothing to do with the actual loss but more with stuff I see out there on the interwebs.  There are many different things on social media about suicide... hoping to prevent it, trying to understand it.  Obviously, I'm all for not losing people to suicide.  But I think it's glossed over too quickly, and statuses are copied and pasted without any real thought behind them, and some things that are said are just horrendous.  Things like "what a selfish thing to do", "how could they do that", "why did they do that", "who could do that", "what about those left behind", "just call this help line", "it can't be that bad". Listen, I get all that on some level.  But by asking people who are truly suffering to think of what it'll do to US left behind is a little hypocritical, isn't it?  We don't want them to focus on themselves, but WE want to focus on us?  And are they really even focusing on themselves in this act?? Folks, we've got it all wrong.  Yes, I think offering help is necessary.  I think we need to take mental health far more seriously in general.  But I don't think for one second that everyone can be or even WANTS to be "saved". And I don't think those who are left behind were meant to figure it out.  What good does that do, anyway?  It does not bring the person back.  And we're not going to know the why.  I don't care if there's a letter, we are not that person, and we do not know.  It's not any of our business anyway, and often times, for those of us left behind, it's just a horrible thing to think about again.  They are gone, and now we have to pick up the pieces and honor them.  Cherish all the things that made them who they were.  Help their memory live on.  Cry. Laugh. Scream.  All of it.

Believe me, I'd rather never talk about my experience again.  Because that's how I deal... I bury shit deep inside and try to pretend it didn't happen.  I realize that's not the greatest attitude and perhaps one day someone can write a thesis about me for psych class, but that's for me to worry about.  However, I am very, very aware of how it feels to lose someone and I also know how good it felt when I finally found people to speak to who understood me and my loss.  So I will ALWAYS have an open ear and door open for anyone who is sad, lonely, thinking of suicide, lost someone to suicide, etc.  Do not ever hesitate to reach out.  Don't feel bad for asking. And please don't feel sad for me now.  I'm a better person for having had Jeff in my life and have so many amazing memories to cherish.

I wish Jeff could've seen and done so many things with me.  I wish he knew my husband.  I am absolutely certain they would've loved each other, genuinely. So we talk about him. How he'd love Yosemite as much as we do.  He'd love our house.  He'd adore the kids and our pups. And we smile.  And we shed tears.  And our hearts ache.  But we are not alone.  I'm not a very faithful or religious person, but I know he's with me.  Every single day.  I talk to him, he visits me in dreams, he moves shit around my house. I know it. And I laugh and thank him for that.

I really don't mean to sound like a bitter person, or someone who knows everything on this topic.  I'm far from it.  I simply ask you to please remember this: do not judge folks for things they do or have done.  Especially after someone's gone and can't even defend themselves.  Don't judge their family members and friends who are left behind.  We don't know the half of what is going on with others, even when we think we do.  Wish the absolute best for them.  Hope they find happiness.  And if they can't, hope with all that you have that they've found peace. That's what I hope for my Jeff <3

~K

Jeffrey Daniel Carey

5.3.70 - 8.1.97