Shortly after meeting Mike and his two sons and daughter, I realized my life was about to forever change. I was heading into uncharted waters, and I was fairly terrified. Not only was I trying to comprehend this man in my life who truly just wanted me to be happy, but I was learning about his 10, 7, and 5-year-old children as well. So I joined some online step parenting groups and holy smokes, they were not for me. The two groups I was in were filled with people who had a lot of anger and jealousy and resentment going on. Believe me, I understand to some degree that it can be difficult to be married to a man, his kids, and (essentially) his ex-wife. That's fodder for a whole 'nuther blog, actually. I also understand needing a place to vent that doesn't involve your husband, too, but I was looking more for some magical place that told you how to do this parenting stuff. How to be the best stepmom ever! Ah, how silly I am sometimes. So I removed myself from those groups and spent my time talking to parents who I think do an amazing job with and for their kids.
Anyone who has exposure to kids realizes the many shifts in attitude, preferences, happiness level, etc. as they grow. Or even in one afternoon. I remember asking Mike early on how he always just knew what to do with his kids. He said, quite bluntly, "I have no clue what I'm doing. You just make it up as you go along as a parent". Mike is an amazing father, and his ability to know what to do so naturally often frustrates me. I'm definitely the more reactive of the two of us, though (go ahead and chuckle, those of you who know us well), and I always jump to the worst possible scenario first. That dear man talks me off the ledge more times than not.
But here's what I've learned about being a step parent since meeting the kidlets 6-1/2 years ago. These are things I've learned through my own experience as a stepchild, as a stepmom whose stepkids still have both parents very active in their lives, and from fellow step parent friends. I know some step parents are actually replacing an actual parent (due to death or absence, etc.) and I won't speak to those experiences. This is just my little view of things. And I think a lot of these things apply to kids in general, no matter how you're involved in their life.
- Remember that the kids have parents already. That's not your job. You are here to support your spouse and be a good role model for the kids. I know of several people who get very upset/offended if their stepchildren don't call them mom (or dad, but I see it way more with stepmoms). Um, you're not. That's not a realistic expectation, so please don't get all upset with the kid(s). The same goes when the child wants their mom/dad when they are not having a good day. It's a pretty natural reaction, when you think about it. I'm 42-years-old and when the shit hits the fan, I want my mommy!
- Let them call you whatever they are comfortable with. For me, it was KC for many years. Now it's Kristen, or "my stepmom", or "hey"! This also is something to consider when you're out in public with them and someone refers to you as the parent ("having a good time with your mom today?"). Ask the kids how they want that handled, and do what they say. I typically just say "oh, I'm not their mom, but so lucky to be part of their lives" or some such thing. That tends to stop the child's discomfort and move the conversation swiftly along.
- Realize they may not like you, at least in principle, and that's OK. Their parents have separated. They are adjusting to a whole new world. As a person whose parents divorced, I get it. Even if/when divorce was the best solution, kids are pissed about it. And now here YOU are, you jerk! ;-) Give them time. Be there for them whenever they come around. Unless you actually are an idiot, remember it's likely not you they are reacting to.
- Never speak poorly of the bio parent. I learned this lesson very well from my classy mother who, although armed with more than enough fuel to, never spoke ill of my father. She still doesn't. She encouraged me to visit him and keep up a relationship. Which I didn't, but that's through no fault of hers. Here's the thing: kids are WAY smarter and more intuitive than we give them credit for. They'll figure out each parent's deal. Let them. Help them in positive ways if they want your guidance. But leave the trash talk out of it! They'll know later in life who did what and who is always there for them. Be the one they automatically KNOW has their back. Don't worry about what the other parent is doing.
- Come across as a united front with your spouse. Mike is the kids' dad and what he says goes. I don't always agree with him, but I back him up Every.Single.Time. He, too, has learned to ask me if I've already answered a question, as kids love that two-ends-to-the-middle game, which we fell prey to more than a few times. We talk about things privately when things come up that could go a number of ways. But I've found that kids respond well to solidarity, and to knowing whichever person they talk to, it's going to be the same result. It brings stability.
- You can't buy them. Listen, I fully understand the tendency to go overboard giving the kids things. You see the happiness on their faces, and you think maybe they'll be more excited to see you and spend time with you. Just ask the two youngest about the time we spent $99.99 for those stupid rubber-band bracelet things. They need to like you for who you are though. NO kid will turn down gifts. That's just not possible. So spare your wallet the pain, and just be you.
I love being a stepmom, and I can't imagine life without the kids. They make me happy. They make me proud. They make me want to pull my hair out. They make me feel like I am making a difference somehow. They make me feel loved, and I couldn't possibly love them more <3
~K
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